Friday, 2 March 2012

Good but not great

My doctor's appointment was on Wednesday.  I went with some expectations, silly me.  My problem is I'm too good.  I'm too good at being easy, breezy, funny and fine.  And my outrageous physical healthiness just adds to my facade of being fine.  Which physically I am.  I told her at my initial appointment that I am unbelievably healthy and that I'm aware of that fact and obviously thankful for it, BUT that I am interested in getting my head on straight, because it is defiantly askew. 

While I was sitting in the tiny examination room with the doctor and she was going over my glowing test results with me I floated outside of my body and watched the scene unfold.  I could see myself looking casual and relaxed, asking questions and engaging in an apropriate manner and I could see her trying to get this appointment done and over with.  I asked about anxiety medication and she gave me something that most people take for high blood pressure.  I don't have high blood pressure.  She offered me anti depressants, I am not depressed.  But, trust me, I'm getting there.

I wonder what I have to do to get taken seriously?  Should I just let go and freak out and cry and act like the maniac that sometimes bubbles below the surface?  What I truly feel in a situation like that is not to freak out but rather to shut down completely.  I just want to go to sleep.  Next time I'm going in drunk, it's much easier for me to talk honestly that way.

On a more exciting note, it's the 108th birthday of Doctor Seuss.  I love his books! 


  1. I think I've probably always struggled with a certain amount of anxiety, but a few months ago I had to do something about it. You know how your stomach flips when you almost get in a car accident, or you see a child almost fall down the stairs? Mine started doing that and then wouldn't stop. At its worst it didn't stop for over 2 weeks. I think the doctor saw the terror in my eyes when I went in.

    I hope you find some answers soon. Anxiety sucks.


  2. I have a similar problem with doctors in general. My health is pretty good considering I have an autoimmune disease and high cholesterol, but sometimes weird things happen to my body and it's a drag trying to convince them that there's something wrong! All they end up recommending is therapy or antidepressants ¬¬

    Why can't doctors accept that we mere mortals actually have a good grasp of how our bodies work? What feels good or bad for us? Do they know better than me when I'm in pain? Do they know better than me what scares me? When I'm anxious?

    Anyway, I can relate completely with what you say here. Best of luck and next time, leave politeness and social conventions aside and just be honest even if you don't agree with something they're saying, especially if you don't agree!