I hate my blog

Actually I don't hate my blog.  I hate myself for not being able to express myself properly on here.  I have a bazillion things going on inside of me and nothing comes out right.  I end up sounding whiny and/or sarcastic and bitchy.  I may have some of those qualities, but there's more going on in here than that.

Right now I am stressed to the gills by the fact that I haven't done my taxes in two years.  I keep returning to that panicked state of anxiety whenever I think about it.  And when I'm not thinking about it, the panic and anxiety are there, hovering.  When I am not thinking about my taxes it is only because I am not allowing myself to think about my taxes, so I'm really still thinking about my taxes, you know?  Probably not.

I'm wearing a bracelet that through the course of the day has become opressive.  It's bugging me.  But I can't take it off because I'm at work and I don't want to leave it here.

I really just want to go home, but it would be easier to stay here because if I go home there's too much to do.  Plus, I can't just go home, I have to stop at the grocery store and I should really go to the bank.  I can talk myself out of the bank because theoretically I could do that tomorrow.  Will I really do that tomorrow?  Who knows?  It kind of depends on a kajillion factors all of which are milling about in my head right now.

I am in constant negotiations with myself.  I have brought procrastination and justification and inertia to a whole new level.  For the last three days all I have done is play tetris.  Well mostly....I also did Mother's day at the ancestral home, walked the dog numerous times, cooked meals, did dishes, attended a theatrical performance as well as the daily drudgery of work.  I always go to work, no matter what.

There, that was a minute in my head.  Lucky you.

Saturday

People act like Saturday is such a big deal.  Not for me, I always have to work so it's just another day.  So I'm sitting here at work just playing on my computer and texting with my sister.  Nothing is going on here yet I have managed to kill 7 hours.  Time just gets eaten, I don't know where it goes.

This time thing is an issue a lot.  I have no concept of how much time has passed or how long any activity will take.  It's funny because if I'm at an event or in a situation where I am not either in control or fully enjoying myself then time crawls.  But when I'm by myself, doing what I want or just going about my business, time slips away.  When I am out or shopping or doing anything away from my house or work I have to check my watch constantly just to stay on track. 

Apparently this time issue is an aspergers thing.  Weird, it's been a problem my whole life and I just thought it was my personality, only now do I discover that it's part of a wiring problem in my brain.  But in reality, whatever the reason, it's very annoying.  I wish that I didn't have to adhere to any schedule other than my own.

useless day

I'm at work, I have been since 10:00 this morning.  It is now 8:22 in the evening.  I don't have to be here but I'm waiting for a ride.  This day has been a complete and utter waste.  nothing got done, and everybody has been in a pissy mood all day.  I don't know if it's the weather as I have been trapped here in a windowless basement all day.  My hair and body transformed themselves into a fat and greasy mess at approximately 3:00p.m. and that's when I decided to pour a drink.

It's Friday, but whatever.

Friday arrives and idiots all over are high fiving eachother and planning after work drinks.  Bastards.  I'm in the service industry and there are no weekends for drones like me. 

I did, however, make a special stop at the convenience store this morning on my way to work for the express purpose of buying a lottery ticket.  I don't usually buy lottery tickets, then the lady behind the counter asked if I wanted the extra I had to ask her what it is.  Her answer didn't help me at all, she said "it's 2 dollars".  Hmmmm, I got it anyway.  My reasoning for buying a lottery ticket was to get money, pretty straight forward, eh?  At the beginning of 2012 I put my intentions out to the universe that I want more money so I bought the lottery ticket so the universe can give it to me.  Simple plan I figure. 

Mice, seriously?

If you saw me rght now here at work, you would probably be jealous.  I have my feet up and I'm screwing around on the internet doing non work related stuff.  But take my word for it when I tell you that I am in massive stress and turmoil.  There are mice here, or at least mouse.  I can't explain why this is so horrible for me but it is.  My fear is 100% irrational and knowing that still doesn't help.

I brought my cat to work with me yesterday and he stayed over night but there is no evidence of any life or death struggles and no dead bodies laying around (that I have seen anyway).  There are also 2 traps that the guy down the hall set for me.  The traps are behind closed doors in case you wre wondering about the safety of Spencer the hired killer cat.  One of the traps has been set off and is flipped over but I am not going to turn it over to check.  I will await the arrival of the guy from down the hall, he used to live on a farm so he is tough.  He said he'd be in around 1pm, so I will commence hanging out in the hallway at approximately 12:50pm.

Even as I write this I realize that being afraid of a mouse is crazy, but I just am.  I used to be irrationally afraid of cats too, and now I have 2 of them as pets.  There is no way in hell that I will ever have a mouse as a pet!  I also used to be afraid of dogs, which I don't consider irrational, dogs are scary.  I have a dog now, so I got over some of that fear I guess, but I'm still scared of random dogs. 

AAaaaaah (that's a scream) as I was writing the last paragraph I heard the trap by the microwave snap.  I can't look!  My lovely and equally paranoid coworker sort of looked but the velocity of the snapping must have moved the trap and now it's probably under the microwave cart thingy.  We are not going to search.  We need a man.  Yes, I am a liberated woman, I can do whatever I want and I expect equal pay for my work etc. but some things just require a man, or at least a tomboyish woman.

Now I'm hearing things and my eyes are darting about scanning my surroundings like I'm under sniper fire.  This is not cool. 

I need a drink.

UPDATE
It is with a drink by my side that I write this.  So 1pm rolls around, still no Dave, he's the guy from down the hall.  So I leave a note on his door reading:" Dave!! Your assistance is required down the hall. Thanks, Penny".  Around 2pm he showed up.  One of the traps had been set off but there was no dead body in it.  The second trap was ricocheted under the microwave stand and there was indeed a dead critter in it.  Dave disposed of the body and reset the traps.  One down. 

You can understand how a drink was necessary.  Aaaaargh.

Same picture twice? Sorry, still figuring this stuff out!